Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
