I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
