There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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