I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
