I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
