WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
