clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
bring money and cleavage
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize