I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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