I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
