Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize