I cockslap morals
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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