some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
