Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize