A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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