I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
