JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
