capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
