I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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