this boner is exhausting
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
