I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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