That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
