I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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