so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
