My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
