New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
