my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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