I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize