I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
