Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
