Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
