I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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