I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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