Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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