my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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