Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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