You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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