What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
