After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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