dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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