I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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