can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
