Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
