Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
