i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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