Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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