I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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