you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
