I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
