How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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