I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
