its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
