the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
