so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize