My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
