I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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