did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
